I make plans to break plans

So things aren't happening as smoothly as I had wished.
Shelby might not be able to help me. Her grandmother just died and she it really distraught.
I have been getting emails from this Immigration Expert that is willing to help me take the proper steps to be legal in London.
I am not too sure if its legit though. There isn't anything to give me the impression its faulty but you know me.
I'm thinking of calling places and asking for advice before I dish out my info to a website.
I am not too sure who to call...
I don't want to be a permante immagrint to London. I just want to live there and work legally.

SO with all that I am thinking of somewhere in the USA.
Seattle is awesome, and so is New York City.
I have been to NYC and I know that I could survive there.
I have not been to Seattle.

So it looks like I am stuck here for a bit longer than I hoped.
ALSO:
I am SO SO SO SO SO SORRY about the lack of videos.
I know only 3 people actually care, but still the guilt is there.
I was stupid to think I would do a video every day this month.
But I bought a couple of wigs so maybe funnier videos will come.

Ciao bellas!

I dont mean to be so off.

It makes me wonder sometimes what is right for me.
Is it right to stay here and be a slave to someone else?
Is it right to put my dreams on hold because where I am is safe?
I don't know who I am. And I'm pretty sure I wont find him in Sonic.

Things never change.
I wake up in the afternoon, sit and feel sorry for myself.
Then go to work with people who don't repsect me. People who verbally abuse me.
Didnt know that?
Yeah I get called a different form of "fat" or "ugly" or "faggot" every single day.

I deal with it.
I deal with my Mom asking me if I'm on drugs.
Sometimes I go to my co-worker Shelby's house to hang out. Shelby smokes pot.
Now Mom is calling me liar and thinks I smoke pot.
I have NO desire to smoke pot EVER.
And yet my own Mother doesnt trust me to do the right thing.

My father doesnt call. I guess he forgets all about me.
Its ok, I'm use to being invisible and forgotten.

I am always broke because I'm having to pay for both my and my Mom's laptops, I have paid the electric 3 times. I am the one who puts gas in the car. I walk the dog, and buy the food for the house.

When do I have the money to save so I can move?
Its getting too much to bare.
No one wants to hear me talk about it because no one has the right solution.
Everyone's life sucks and they dont want to hear about how someone else's life sucks.

So Chris gave me the advice to suck it up and deal with life.
What have I been doing?
I complain but its my way of dealing.
I am sick of doing what is right for everyone else.
Its my time.

I'm leaving soon.

So things aren't going so well for me.
I cant seem to do anything right and my selfesteem is LOW.
So the only thing I can think of is to make things better.
I cannot sit around and wait for a miracle to happen and make my life better.
I was talking to my co-worker Shelby about trying to get a ticket to London.
We started to talk about prices then I started to ask to borrow 50 bucks.
I was only kind of kidding, but then she told me she would buy me a plane ticket.
Odd, yes?
Well she said "I'm in debt because of shittier people, I am able to help you and I trust that you wont jipp me like the other losers have"
So I told I for sure would have to pay her back.
So I have been looking online for plane tickets.
Expedia has this one flight that is 766.45 for a 2 stop flight.
The first stop would be in Chicago, the other direction of London.
The second Warsaw Poland. Way past London.
Then final stop in London.
Orbitz has a more expensive flight with one stop in Toronto.
Then there is the how to get to Atlanta.
A bus ticket is 25 bucks so I can cover it, but I'm afraid that when I get to the airport they will need Shelby to pick the ticket up.
I dunno how this works and I would hate for her to have to go to Atlanta with me.
She is already doing more than she should.

So should I take her help or should I try to save up myself?
I dont mind paying her back!
And I cant help think of the pain my Mom would be in.
Of course she isnt the reason why I want to go, but I know she will think she is.

Then there is the being homeless in London bit that scares me.
I would live in a shelter and try to get a work visa.
The whole point of moving there is to better myself.
Maybe being homeless will spark the grown up in me.
Maybe it will make me more driven to do what it takes to be successful.

I think this is a good thing. Its covered in dispair and a black cloud but I know the end result will be just what I need.

Ciao bellas!

Being

Ok so I have some free time on my hands here lately.
I am coming to find that making Youtube videos are fun!
I did feel really sick yesterday but today I feel better.
School, school, school. I kinda miss you.
But at the same time I am glad to have the free time.
The free time is good and bad.
Bad in the sense that it gives me time to think about myself.
I don't really like me.
And I know if you're reading this you are thinking "we know you have no selfesteem."
But I mean I dont some things I do.
But instead of complaining about them I am doing something.
Dental hygene. I don't push my teeth enough, and I am going brush them more!!
My wieght. It seems like nothing I do is good enough.
But I am going to try to eat better, and be more active.
So I am trying to be more positive.
Try lol.
So wish me luck!
Ciao bellas!