Pardon me.

I must have a fucked up perception of what friendship is.
I've been there when your sister has pissed you off and you needed someone to rant to. I've done that a few times.
I've been there for your pregnancy scare. When you were down because your BF isnt able to love you.
I've been there for 2 emotional breakdowns, stayed on the phone with you for hours as you screamed and cried.
I've been on the phone with you when your yard was on fire and you were freaking out.
I put up the abuse you use to do to be everyday. The actual scares may have disappared but I remember.
I've been there for break-ups.
I stayed the night with you on your last 2 birthdays.
Been an ear to listen. Been reliable.
For you to turn and talk about me behind my back.
I know you both are doing it.
I cannot help feeling some things.
I am soo fucking sorry that my life cant be rainbows and sunshine all the goddamn time.
But you cannot say that I have been "emo" when we hang out. I try, hard. I try to be upbeat and you guys are always pessimistic!
No matter what I do!! I always try to get you to look on the bright side but you always disregaurd everything I say.
I may rant or talk to you, because I feel I can trust you.
So now here is where I apologize.
Sorry for putting too much value on what you think and say.
Sorry for putting you on the top of my list and holding you close.
Sorry for being human and hurting sometimes.
Sorry for thinking you cared more than you do.
Sorry for expecting you to understand when clearly you don't.
Sorry for thinking "best friends" meant something.
Sorry for loving more than you love me.
Sorry for sharing too much of my life with you.
Sorry for letting you walk all over me this long, I should have grew a back bone.
Sorry for being such a burden.

You're free. Don't worry about me. Don't think of me.
Just go on and pretend I was a dream.
Because after all I've been through with you means nothing anymore.
Oh and thank you.
Thank you for making me feel like I mean nothing.
Thank you for making me feel unwanted.
Thank you for making me feel unloved.
Because when I needed you the most you left me.
Acted as if I didn't exsist and let me suffer alone.

Things will change for me.

Alright lets face it. I'm a dreamer not a doer. I have spent twenty years of my life letting my dreams slip me by and letting people walk over me.
I am sick of my life being a endless cycle of watching people get what they want and me sit in my hole alone and miserable.
So no more.
There is something I know that will get me in touch with the people I need in order for me to achieve my dreams.
Bands have merch people who get to know the band and get to meet other people in the recording industry.
I know that it seems a bit extreme but its what I want to do.
I would get to travel, I would get to meet new people, and meet the band(s) I work for.
So with everything in me I am going to try to get in as a Merch person for a band.
Things need to change. I need to have more confidence in myself.
So here is what I need you to do as friends.
Be a little bit more supportive of the things I do.
You do not know how much it kills me when you say I am doing something stupid.
Let me make mistakes and learn from them!
I cannot stress how much other people's opinions run my life.
Not anymore. The opinion that matters most ins mine.
If I dont like your opinion I will ignore it and possibly delete it.
I am sorry but I have let other people run my life for me for far too long.
This is my life and I want to live it the way I want to.
I hope you can support me because I love all of you and would be crush if you didnt respect me enough to support my choices.
I love all of you who read this! And I am going to love my new life. I am going to love myself.

Ciao bellas!

Lets be honest.

So there is some drama going on that is useless.
Jenn's birthday is in November and she asked Chris and I if we could get along with a couple of people we dont like for her birthday.
Both of us agreed that since time has passed and feelings have died down that Yes we can deal with these two people and be okay.
We told it would be no problem and we could be civil because we love her and her last 2 birthdays didnt go as planned.
But Jenn keeps bringing up that everyone better get along or she will hate us forever.
At first we assured her, but now its just getting old.
And my thoughts are that I am not being trusted.
Chris is not being trusted to do the right thing and be nice.
This doesnt make us feel good.
How would you like it if one of your Best friends doubted you and thought you would ruin her birthday?
It makes me feel shitty.
I wouldnt do that Jenn but neither would Chris. However Jenn remains doubtful.
LAME.
Why be my friend if you dont trust me to try and make your 21st a good one?
Chris and I have not talked to them in 2 years.
WHY would she think we would start shit?
We havent started shit before, why would we wait for her birthday to start?
We wouldnt. We can be civil but I dont want to try if someone thinks I cant do it.
Its like beating me up for something I havent done.
Its lame. The whole thing is uncalled for.
If she wants her birthday to go well the last thing she should do is make everyone fear messing up.
Keep putting me down and I am not going to try anymore.
Make yourself happy. Cause apparently I cant make you happy.

If you want the original plans to continue rest assure I will be civil. So will Chris.
If you dont trust me then dont be my friend.

Learning.

So I am going to learn self disipline. I know that might be spelled wrong but I don't care right now.
I am brushing my teeth more.
I am trying to loose some weight.
AND
I am going to write a little on a story I've been writing EVERYDAY for the next three months.
I want to finish it.
Then I want a English teacher to make corrections.
Then I am gonig to submit it to a publisher.
I need to be doing something with my life and my skills.
So if I want to move I am going to have to save some money.
I could get money writing!
If I am good enough.
my fingers are crossed that I don't royally screw this up.
Also I want to make more Youtube videos.
I liked doing them, and I'm going to have to get over Mom being home for some.
Pandora dot com has become my new bestfriend!
Its a website that acts like a radio station that plays what you want to hear!
And it plays songs it thinks you will like.
Sometimes I don't like them.
You can only skip a certain number of songs per hour.
Thats the only downside.

Oh and...

ZOMBIELAND ROCKED!!!
Ciao bellas!

I make plans to break plans

So things aren't happening as smoothly as I had wished.
Shelby might not be able to help me. Her grandmother just died and she it really distraught.
I have been getting emails from this Immigration Expert that is willing to help me take the proper steps to be legal in London.
I am not too sure if its legit though. There isn't anything to give me the impression its faulty but you know me.
I'm thinking of calling places and asking for advice before I dish out my info to a website.
I am not too sure who to call...
I don't want to be a permante immagrint to London. I just want to live there and work legally.

SO with all that I am thinking of somewhere in the USA.
Seattle is awesome, and so is New York City.
I have been to NYC and I know that I could survive there.
I have not been to Seattle.

So it looks like I am stuck here for a bit longer than I hoped.
ALSO:
I am SO SO SO SO SO SORRY about the lack of videos.
I know only 3 people actually care, but still the guilt is there.
I was stupid to think I would do a video every day this month.
But I bought a couple of wigs so maybe funnier videos will come.

Ciao bellas!

I dont mean to be so off.

It makes me wonder sometimes what is right for me.
Is it right to stay here and be a slave to someone else?
Is it right to put my dreams on hold because where I am is safe?
I don't know who I am. And I'm pretty sure I wont find him in Sonic.

Things never change.
I wake up in the afternoon, sit and feel sorry for myself.
Then go to work with people who don't repsect me. People who verbally abuse me.
Didnt know that?
Yeah I get called a different form of "fat" or "ugly" or "faggot" every single day.

I deal with it.
I deal with my Mom asking me if I'm on drugs.
Sometimes I go to my co-worker Shelby's house to hang out. Shelby smokes pot.
Now Mom is calling me liar and thinks I smoke pot.
I have NO desire to smoke pot EVER.
And yet my own Mother doesnt trust me to do the right thing.

My father doesnt call. I guess he forgets all about me.
Its ok, I'm use to being invisible and forgotten.

I am always broke because I'm having to pay for both my and my Mom's laptops, I have paid the electric 3 times. I am the one who puts gas in the car. I walk the dog, and buy the food for the house.

When do I have the money to save so I can move?
Its getting too much to bare.
No one wants to hear me talk about it because no one has the right solution.
Everyone's life sucks and they dont want to hear about how someone else's life sucks.

So Chris gave me the advice to suck it up and deal with life.
What have I been doing?
I complain but its my way of dealing.
I am sick of doing what is right for everyone else.
Its my time.

I'm leaving soon.

So things aren't going so well for me.
I cant seem to do anything right and my selfesteem is LOW.
So the only thing I can think of is to make things better.
I cannot sit around and wait for a miracle to happen and make my life better.
I was talking to my co-worker Shelby about trying to get a ticket to London.
We started to talk about prices then I started to ask to borrow 50 bucks.
I was only kind of kidding, but then she told me she would buy me a plane ticket.
Odd, yes?
Well she said "I'm in debt because of shittier people, I am able to help you and I trust that you wont jipp me like the other losers have"
So I told I for sure would have to pay her back.
So I have been looking online for plane tickets.
Expedia has this one flight that is 766.45 for a 2 stop flight.
The first stop would be in Chicago, the other direction of London.
The second Warsaw Poland. Way past London.
Then final stop in London.
Orbitz has a more expensive flight with one stop in Toronto.
Then there is the how to get to Atlanta.
A bus ticket is 25 bucks so I can cover it, but I'm afraid that when I get to the airport they will need Shelby to pick the ticket up.
I dunno how this works and I would hate for her to have to go to Atlanta with me.
She is already doing more than she should.

So should I take her help or should I try to save up myself?
I dont mind paying her back!
And I cant help think of the pain my Mom would be in.
Of course she isnt the reason why I want to go, but I know she will think she is.

Then there is the being homeless in London bit that scares me.
I would live in a shelter and try to get a work visa.
The whole point of moving there is to better myself.
Maybe being homeless will spark the grown up in me.
Maybe it will make me more driven to do what it takes to be successful.

I think this is a good thing. Its covered in dispair and a black cloud but I know the end result will be just what I need.

Ciao bellas!

Being

Ok so I have some free time on my hands here lately.
I am coming to find that making Youtube videos are fun!
I did feel really sick yesterday but today I feel better.
School, school, school. I kinda miss you.
But at the same time I am glad to have the free time.
The free time is good and bad.
Bad in the sense that it gives me time to think about myself.
I don't really like me.
And I know if you're reading this you are thinking "we know you have no selfesteem."
But I mean I dont some things I do.
But instead of complaining about them I am doing something.
Dental hygene. I don't push my teeth enough, and I am going brush them more!!
My wieght. It seems like nothing I do is good enough.
But I am going to try to eat better, and be more active.
So I am trying to be more positive.
Try lol.
So wish me luck!
Ciao bellas!

See Me?

I swore I would not write another sad song.

I swore that good times would come along.

But it seems to be getting harder now

And I dont think I can go on now

I'm sorry for all the bad times I brought you.

I'm sorry I could never be all the way true.

Is it too much to tell me that I'm okay

Is it too much to say I love you today?

Cause I feel so invisible.

The pain I feel when I let you down

Is so much worse than the pain of this town

You have no idea how I could tell

Everyday I wish I was someone else

I'm so sorry for all the bad times I brought you

I'm sorry I could never be all the way true.

Love me please just tell me that I matter.

You keep on making me even more sadder.

And I feel so invisible.

I cry myself to sleep when I make you mad.

This torture keep just makes me more sad.

I made a wish upon a star tonight

Let me be someone else in life

I'm so sorry for all the bad times I brought you.

I'm sorry I could never be all the way true.

Maybe my wish it finally coming to be

Because it seems like no one can see me.

Can you see me?

I dont know if most people know how much I hate myself.

I mess up all the time and end up crying.

And no one tells me I am good enough.

I havent heard "I love you Kyle" in so long.

Am I good?

I am worth anything?

I just want to be happy.

I wish I could love who I am but I just cant.

So why do I expect anyone else to?

My Curse.

Sorry for all the cursing ahead of time.

FUCK.
I hate life. Not going to lie.
I fucking hate letting people down. I hate being the annoying person.
What I hate most of all is the fucking curse I called a gift.
I am a empath.
It sucks soooo bad right now. Flares always happen and I accidently go too indepth with people and they dont even know.
Lately I have been feeling every emotion EVERYONE is having around me.
Its amplfying me and there is NO ONE who wants to listen to me.
So here I am talking into this blog.
I cannot tell you how painful it is to know what everyone feels about you.
People you thought you were cool with that really are annoyed with you.
At first I thought it was a bad day for these certain people but its been well over a week.
Everyone seems to want me to disappear. They are annoyed with me and pissy and its making me pissy.
And what is hurting me the most is that my two best friends arent talking to me for some reason.
If I need a good break I can call them up and their emotions are usually claim and relaxing.
But right now I am in the house with my Mom and she is pissy and its making me pissy.
I dont have training to block myself.
Sarah is the only one I know of who could train me but she is super busy.
School is stressing my out and making me antsy and pissy then combined with everyone's pissy moods its making me Pissed to the extreme.
And I hate it.
I started to talk to my boss DeeDee about empathy and said one of my friends has it but I think she knows.
I think this because her mood is always careful and cautious. Like she is nervous. And when she feels something I have noticed her looking at me then that nervous catious feeling comes back.
Other people at work are raw with there emotions.
They feel there emotions and dont let go or change them. And sometimes it can take me over too.
I need a break. I need an escape.
I need my friends. I miss them.
Please dont hate me.
Ciao.

Could I feel worse?

Ok so I hate life.
Just getting out there and open.
I hate almost everything right now.
My dogs are destroying shit again.
The great news the latest things ruined in the carpet behind the couch.
Skye has torn a whole in the carpet.
Awesome. So I call to let Mom know. BAD.
So since I didnt get off work til almost midnight the dogs were left in the cages for almost 2 hours. So its all my fault.
It was my fault that 5 for 5.95 Tuesday at Sonic was actually busy.
It was my fault that since it was so busy I got nothing done til 10 on the dot.
Then we had to wait for Bi Lo(Alex) to get done.
He is the slowest worker ever.
SO I am to blame and have to help Mom pay for the repairs now.
I wouldnt have a problem with it normally but its the fucking way she said it.
She can be such a bitch sometimes.
I hate feeling depressed.
No one at work takes work seriously so it makes me not want to work as hard as I use to.
Therefore I feel like I am working hard to get nowhere and accomplish shit.
That makes all the work I have done worthwhile. NOT.
Then I cant pay attention to class because I believe I might fail all of them.
SUCKS.
How can I be positive when everything seems to be going wrong?
My sleep pattern is waaaaay off.
It is 2 am and I am not even close to tired.
I have to be at school at 8 am.
I might just not sleep at all tonight.
I might nap. But I dont know.
I want to move to the UK.
Ciao.

Oh how things suck.

So my face hasn't fully healed yet.
I oozed real bad today.
And I feel like the biggest failure on Earth.
I dropped my English class Thursday. I was failing it and they said I wouldn't have to pay any of the loan back.
So as I do this my thoughts and people telling me that my reasons seem to be my own laziness.
I hate how lazy I am.
I hate feeling like a failure at anything.
My face doesn't help my self esteem any.
I want to act so so bad and now I know two-TWO-people with connections and my face isn't giving me a break.
This is fucking fabulous. I want to be in a movie or a commercial, or just do something I wont fail at!!
School just lowers my esteem with every "F" grade I get.
I am starting to believe that thier isn't any hope for me.
This thing on my face will last forever, I will be too dumb to make it through college and I will forever be working fast food.
I am destined to be invisible. To go unnoticed by hardly anyone.
Bills are coming close to being late.
I just am not happy here.
I just don't wanna fail anymore.
Por sempre Guasto.

Getting Better!

Yay! I am almost cured!
As you can see my face looks so much better! Yesterday at work it began to flake so I might have peeled some off to speed the process up. C=
I am just glade that this isnt going to stick with me or scar my face.
So its Wednesday and I have been told to be on a cleaning mission.
Mom got bitchy yesterday because I slept in until 1 and did hardly anything to the apartment.
She continued to bitch about my room and how she wanted me to unpack and that it looks like shit. Oh and that their is a strange smell that comes from my room that only she can smell.
So I am going to be doing massive amounts of laundry and baking brownies.
I feel like a housewife.
In my defense on hardly doing anything around the house, she comes home before the time that she tells me. Yesterday she said she would be home by 4. LIES. She called at nearly 3 and said she was getting a tea from Sonic and coming home. Now if I woke up at 1:30ish that gave me only an hour or so. I unloaded the dishwasher and loaded it again and whipped down the counters. I put some trash in the garbage.
Not what she wanted me to do apparently.
On a happier note!
Sarah was texting me yesterday! I havent talked to her in almost 2 weeks now, I was getting worried. I asked her if she wanted to go see The Watchmen friday and she said yes!
I told her if Kelly and Bobby wanted to come they could.
I am going to ask Chris and John to go but I dont know if they can.
I hope they can! I miss being with friends.
Being out here in bumfuck Red Bank where I am 40 odd miles away from everyone SUCKS.
I know its not literally 40 something miles but still.
I hate being so far from the people I want to see.
Well I guess I better get started on the cleaning.
FYI My mother just called to see if I was wake.
She kills me.....
Ciao bellas!

Earth Hour

Ok so as we all know, or may not know, I am big on trying to go "green".

I love the Earth and I refuse to litter. And I am going to be seeing if recycling comes around my neighborhood.

Well on March 28th from 8:30pm to 9:30 pm Earth Hour takes place. Which means you turn everything off and you sit in the dark or by the light of a candle.

MY plans are to sit under the stars and think.

I want to use this time to think of things I want to do, and things that should be most important to me.

I am making Mom turn everything off so I might have to stay inside to keep her from doing anything that would involve turning something on.

Might ask her to take me to the Park.

Hm.

Well we have 17 more days until Earth Hour so I can sort out the details later.

Ok so tell me what you might be doing for Earth Hour to give me some ideas.

Ciao bellas!

My Face.

This is the curse that has tortured me for over three weeks now.
My face itches and I am not allowed to touch it. Cant put anything on it, that I know of.
If anyone from Freshman year of High School is reading this and remembers that week or so when I came to school with a whole side of my face like this it is back!
The Doc said it was either a open pimple or a cut shaving that got infected when I slopper when I sleep. And since I dont wash my face often it got infected and is not spreadable.
So I feel like a freak.
I dont like going anywhere.
I am out of the meds he told me to take.
And I thought it was getting better! Apparently not.
So Mom told me about this lady at her work who has something like mine, but its like 3 times worse, and it never goes away.
What if this never goes away??
My dreams will be crushed!
I cant act in movies, or commercials with this on my face!
I could sing and just wear a mask, you know as a gimmich (sp?).
BLEH!
It hurts to smile with this bugger on my face.
Its dry and I want to submerg it in water.
On a more pleasant note I watched the movie "Syndey White" at 3 am last night!
It was an awesome movie!! I loved that the dorks beat the "prettty princess" and all that jazz.
I just loved that movie.
Well I am going to go and try and not think about my face.
Ciao bellas!

Randomness

Ok so today was a much better day.
I got the Cash Cash CD "Take It To The Floor" and it is amazing!
Its kind of like Kill Hannah mixed with Cobra Starship.
I love it!
And the best part the CD was only ten bucks!!
So it went right on my Zune. I am even thinking of removing Breaking Benjamin from my wall and replacing Cash Cash in its place.
For those who dont know: I took every album cover I have tore it off the music booklet and put them in alfabetical order around my closet door frame. It looks amazing.
I cannot wait for the Fall Out Boy concert!
I havent been this excited since HCT.
Thats Honda Civic Tour...
I might have a poem or a song tomorrow...
Hopefully.
So anyway I am going to go...read Harry Potter....again.
I am bored, so I dont know what to do.

"Working late it never stops. I-I-I'll be your electric shock, and with a song I'll have your heart."
Cash Cash "Radio"

FYI I keep typing Cash Cash as Cas Cash but catch myself.
Just thougt that was funny.
Ciao bellas!