Get Out, Get Out.

If you wanna get out, get out, get out, get out, get out.

The night is coming over got to shake my stress away.
Turn the music on it always knows just what to say.
I feel the beat moving all the way down to my legs
I cannot help but let the music take me away.

Gotta let it go.
Gotta let myself go.
If you wanna get out, get out!
Gotta get away.
Tonight it doesn't matter what they say
The music is gonna make us sway, sway.

Its a private get away.
Just you and me tonight!
Let the music play.
To dance with all our might.

Gotta let it go.
Gotta let myself go.
If you wanna get out, get out!
Gotta get away.
Tonight it doesn't matter what the say.
The music is gonna make us sway, sway.

If you wanna get out, get out, get out, get out!
Gonna let it play the night away, away, away!

Tonight it doesn't mater what they say.
We're gonna get out, get out, get out.
The music is gonna make us sway.
Its gonna play the night away, away.

Pardon me.

I must have a fucked up perception of what friendship is.
I've been there when your sister has pissed you off and you needed someone to rant to. I've done that a few times.
I've been there for your pregnancy scare. When you were down because your BF isnt able to love you.
I've been there for 2 emotional breakdowns, stayed on the phone with you for hours as you screamed and cried.
I've been on the phone with you when your yard was on fire and you were freaking out.
I put up the abuse you use to do to be everyday. The actual scares may have disappared but I remember.
I've been there for break-ups.
I stayed the night with you on your last 2 birthdays.
Been an ear to listen. Been reliable.
For you to turn and talk about me behind my back.
I know you both are doing it.
I cannot help feeling some things.
I am soo fucking sorry that my life cant be rainbows and sunshine all the goddamn time.
But you cannot say that I have been "emo" when we hang out. I try, hard. I try to be upbeat and you guys are always pessimistic!
No matter what I do!! I always try to get you to look on the bright side but you always disregaurd everything I say.
I may rant or talk to you, because I feel I can trust you.
So now here is where I apologize.
Sorry for putting too much value on what you think and say.
Sorry for putting you on the top of my list and holding you close.
Sorry for being human and hurting sometimes.
Sorry for thinking you cared more than you do.
Sorry for expecting you to understand when clearly you don't.
Sorry for thinking "best friends" meant something.
Sorry for loving more than you love me.
Sorry for sharing too much of my life with you.
Sorry for letting you walk all over me this long, I should have grew a back bone.
Sorry for being such a burden.

You're free. Don't worry about me. Don't think of me.
Just go on and pretend I was a dream.
Because after all I've been through with you means nothing anymore.
Oh and thank you.
Thank you for making me feel like I mean nothing.
Thank you for making me feel unwanted.
Thank you for making me feel unloved.
Because when I needed you the most you left me.
Acted as if I didn't exsist and let me suffer alone.

Things will change for me.

Alright lets face it. I'm a dreamer not a doer. I have spent twenty years of my life letting my dreams slip me by and letting people walk over me.
I am sick of my life being a endless cycle of watching people get what they want and me sit in my hole alone and miserable.
So no more.
There is something I know that will get me in touch with the people I need in order for me to achieve my dreams.
Bands have merch people who get to know the band and get to meet other people in the recording industry.
I know that it seems a bit extreme but its what I want to do.
I would get to travel, I would get to meet new people, and meet the band(s) I work for.
So with everything in me I am going to try to get in as a Merch person for a band.
Things need to change. I need to have more confidence in myself.
So here is what I need you to do as friends.
Be a little bit more supportive of the things I do.
You do not know how much it kills me when you say I am doing something stupid.
Let me make mistakes and learn from them!
I cannot stress how much other people's opinions run my life.
Not anymore. The opinion that matters most ins mine.
If I dont like your opinion I will ignore it and possibly delete it.
I am sorry but I have let other people run my life for me for far too long.
This is my life and I want to live it the way I want to.
I hope you can support me because I love all of you and would be crush if you didnt respect me enough to support my choices.
I love all of you who read this! And I am going to love my new life. I am going to love myself.

Ciao bellas!

Lets be honest.

So there is some drama going on that is useless.
Jenn's birthday is in November and she asked Chris and I if we could get along with a couple of people we dont like for her birthday.
Both of us agreed that since time has passed and feelings have died down that Yes we can deal with these two people and be okay.
We told it would be no problem and we could be civil because we love her and her last 2 birthdays didnt go as planned.
But Jenn keeps bringing up that everyone better get along or she will hate us forever.
At first we assured her, but now its just getting old.
And my thoughts are that I am not being trusted.
Chris is not being trusted to do the right thing and be nice.
This doesnt make us feel good.
How would you like it if one of your Best friends doubted you and thought you would ruin her birthday?
It makes me feel shitty.
I wouldnt do that Jenn but neither would Chris. However Jenn remains doubtful.
LAME.
Why be my friend if you dont trust me to try and make your 21st a good one?
Chris and I have not talked to them in 2 years.
WHY would she think we would start shit?
We havent started shit before, why would we wait for her birthday to start?
We wouldnt. We can be civil but I dont want to try if someone thinks I cant do it.
Its like beating me up for something I havent done.
Its lame. The whole thing is uncalled for.
If she wants her birthday to go well the last thing she should do is make everyone fear messing up.
Keep putting me down and I am not going to try anymore.
Make yourself happy. Cause apparently I cant make you happy.

If you want the original plans to continue rest assure I will be civil. So will Chris.
If you dont trust me then dont be my friend.

Learning.

So I am going to learn self disipline. I know that might be spelled wrong but I don't care right now.
I am brushing my teeth more.
I am trying to loose some weight.
AND
I am going to write a little on a story I've been writing EVERYDAY for the next three months.
I want to finish it.
Then I want a English teacher to make corrections.
Then I am gonig to submit it to a publisher.
I need to be doing something with my life and my skills.
So if I want to move I am going to have to save some money.
I could get money writing!
If I am good enough.
my fingers are crossed that I don't royally screw this up.
Also I want to make more Youtube videos.
I liked doing them, and I'm going to have to get over Mom being home for some.
Pandora dot com has become my new bestfriend!
Its a website that acts like a radio station that plays what you want to hear!
And it plays songs it thinks you will like.
Sometimes I don't like them.
You can only skip a certain number of songs per hour.
Thats the only downside.

Oh and...

ZOMBIELAND ROCKED!!!
Ciao bellas!

I make plans to break plans

So things aren't happening as smoothly as I had wished.
Shelby might not be able to help me. Her grandmother just died and she it really distraught.
I have been getting emails from this Immigration Expert that is willing to help me take the proper steps to be legal in London.
I am not too sure if its legit though. There isn't anything to give me the impression its faulty but you know me.
I'm thinking of calling places and asking for advice before I dish out my info to a website.
I am not too sure who to call...
I don't want to be a permante immagrint to London. I just want to live there and work legally.

SO with all that I am thinking of somewhere in the USA.
Seattle is awesome, and so is New York City.
I have been to NYC and I know that I could survive there.
I have not been to Seattle.

So it looks like I am stuck here for a bit longer than I hoped.
ALSO:
I am SO SO SO SO SO SORRY about the lack of videos.
I know only 3 people actually care, but still the guilt is there.
I was stupid to think I would do a video every day this month.
But I bought a couple of wigs so maybe funnier videos will come.

Ciao bellas!

I dont mean to be so off.

It makes me wonder sometimes what is right for me.
Is it right to stay here and be a slave to someone else?
Is it right to put my dreams on hold because where I am is safe?
I don't know who I am. And I'm pretty sure I wont find him in Sonic.

Things never change.
I wake up in the afternoon, sit and feel sorry for myself.
Then go to work with people who don't repsect me. People who verbally abuse me.
Didnt know that?
Yeah I get called a different form of "fat" or "ugly" or "faggot" every single day.

I deal with it.
I deal with my Mom asking me if I'm on drugs.
Sometimes I go to my co-worker Shelby's house to hang out. Shelby smokes pot.
Now Mom is calling me liar and thinks I smoke pot.
I have NO desire to smoke pot EVER.
And yet my own Mother doesnt trust me to do the right thing.

My father doesnt call. I guess he forgets all about me.
Its ok, I'm use to being invisible and forgotten.

I am always broke because I'm having to pay for both my and my Mom's laptops, I have paid the electric 3 times. I am the one who puts gas in the car. I walk the dog, and buy the food for the house.

When do I have the money to save so I can move?
Its getting too much to bare.
No one wants to hear me talk about it because no one has the right solution.
Everyone's life sucks and they dont want to hear about how someone else's life sucks.

So Chris gave me the advice to suck it up and deal with life.
What have I been doing?
I complain but its my way of dealing.
I am sick of doing what is right for everyone else.
Its my time.